Only you can prevent forest fires

"Anger is a defense mechanism where you take whatever is bothering you and is wrong within you, then you project it on another person and blame him or her for it. Frequently the other person accepts the blame, which satisfies you temporarily but doesn't solve the problem. The problem with blame, though, is what it leads to. Blame and anger work together to produce resentment. When you fuel your anger with accusations and the self-justified shifting of responsibility, you will begin to burn with resentment. From resentment comes bitterness. Bitterness is a steady disease that eats you from the inside out, but seldom affects the object of your bitterness." ~ Dr. Robert Abarno

I really hate it when something so smart comes along and smacks me upside the head.

At times I thought I was on fire. But really, I thought it was still at a smolder. Not at 5 alarms. Little did I realize I was fanning my own flames.

I think perhaps I need some education on fire prevention.

Productive

Ah, productivity. The hallmark of the good little worker bee.

This little worker bee has been very busy, but not so productive. I am easily distracted by everything and everyone. And the area in my life I would most like to see some productivity in is anything but.

I have much to do before December wraps up. Both at work and personally. If I am not around much it is because I am trying to be productive and not just busy. But know that I am thinking of all of you and hope you are having a wonderful Christmas season. And that you get to take time to enjoy it for all the wonder and joy that it holds.

Opinions

.....are like assholes. Everyone has one and they usually stink.

I know everyone "means well". But really, I need a freakin break from all of your "insight"!

I don't have an answer. I don't know where to find one. I don't know when or if I will.

Feel This

Everyone wants to know how I 'feel'.

And honestly, most of the time I don't know. Or don't have a concise answer.

There are times when I forget that I am couch surfing/house sitting/office sleeping my way through the holidays. And then I come "home" to the house of de jour and remember that I had to make a sucktastic decision for the sake of my sanity.

There are times when I am tired to the point of exhaustion. From work, from life, from this mess. And then something will make me laugh for no good reason. Laugh until it makes me cry sometimes.

There are times when I am angry. Enraged really. And I have every desire to be destructive. I want to break things, destroy valuables, hurt people. But really, I don't want to hurt anyone or anything. I just want to get the anger out of me because I am afraid it will eat me alive from the inside out.

There are times when I am willing to compromise everything I believe in just to be with the one person who means the world to me. Those times are fleeting and short lived. But there are brief seconds where I think, "I don't care what I have to give up or agree to, I just want life to be normal again". But then I remember that 'normal' was killing me and that I can't do that version of 'normal' anymore.

There are times when I wonder if I am a fool for believing that anything could change. Then I remember the man I married. The man that I see a glimpse of every now and then when he isn't hiding behind his disappointment, anger, betrayal, fear and compromises. I miss him horribly.

So when you ask me how I feel and i just smile and say, "Oh, some days are better than others." don't be surprised. Because from day to day and really, minute to minute, I don't know how I feel. I vacillate wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other. And most of the time when you ask, I don't know that you really want to know how I am feeling right then. Because it might just scare the crap out of you.

Attitude

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect it's successful outcome.

~William James

Attitude is an obvious influence in most areas of our lives. My choices about my attitude can have a huge impact on the outcome of so many things.

If I have a crappy attitude while I am stuck in traffic, I usually carry that attitude into the office with me. It rubs off on my co-workers. They share it with others. Soon everyone is irritable and short tempered.

No?

Okay, so maybe that is a dramatic example. But I have watched it happen. One person comes in, shedding their crap and bad karma all over the office. Soon, it starts spreading. Everyone is short and ill tempered.

And little things can effect our attitude. Perceived irritation when 160 characters are all that is allowed per text. Messages that were innocent questions can appear to be nagging and out of line.

Voice mail left in a hurry; suddenly sounds harsh, demanding, bitchy and rude. A message that was really a simple request for information and reassurance, is interpreted as a pushy demand for explanation and a finger pointing session.

And when the tension stretches tight like a rubber band

when circumstance and outside influence fan the flames

when a day too long on irritation and short on gentleness gets pushed one too many times

when all that is within you screams for you to stop before you lose control

It all erupts in a mess of harsh words, accusations, demands, name calling, yelling and destruction. And the words can't be spooled back or rewound. They lie there.

Ugly

Ashamed

Bitter

Enraged

Difficult

False

Guilty

Ruined

Pathetic

Wrong

All because of attitude and how easy it is for your attitude to take you off course if you let it. Like a structure that is out of square at the beginning. At first, it make no difference. Only the most precise measurements could catch it. But by the time you get to the end, nothing fits. Windows won't close. Doors fail their openings. Connections miss and fall apart. It is worthless. The only solution is to go back to the beginning and start again.

But words can't be taken back. Started over. Replaced when they do not hold true.

And how I wish that were not the case.

All because I did not rule my attitude. It ruled me.

Insanity

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting to get different results"

Albert Einstein

I don't know why I keep doing what I am doing, because it sure isn't working.

This job is sucking the life out of me.

Even when the cards seem to be falling in my favor, the deck is stacked against me.

I am so tired of doing all the right things only to have them blow up in my face.

I know that what I do can and has made a difference.

I believe in the products and services that I offer.

I love the company and most of the people that I work with.

But time after time I do everything right only to watch it fail.

It must be a fine line between perseverance and insanity.

Rest

I am so glad that it is Friday.

The past week has been long and tiring. I am SO ready for it to be the weekend so I can get some personal things taken care of, sleep in past 5 am and spend some time with friends.

I am trying to figure out how to get out of work today, but am stuck at an enrollment for the next few hours. And then I really need to spend some time with my newest agent. But really, I would give anything just to get out of here about noon and start the weekend early!